Up all night with LB. He did it to me again, just as I was getting ready
to turn in for the night he let out a tiny little wail and I knew, instinctively
that this was going to be one of those ‘all nighters’ that he likes to pull on
And I was right. He wanted to lie on the sofa with his Mom. He
wanted me to hold him all night long. And that’s what I did. I sat
there holding him, watching him as he watched me or took a few moments to pay
attention to what ever was happening on the TV. Sitting there in the dark,
his large dark blue eyes staring into mine and filled with such warmth and love,
his lips curling into a smile as he made sweet little ooh noises, my heart
melted right then and there. Any anger I felt at him for keeping me up all
night long quickly disolved.
Sometimes the love I feel for that boy shocks me. It’s like sometimes
it swells up in my chest and it becomes too big for my little body to contain
it. I get so proud over all of his little accomplishments, like him
stroking my cheek, or lifting his head up to look into my eyes. Even the
little noises that he makes, and the attempts he makes at actually forming words
are all such monumental steps that he has taken in his life. The amount of
work that had to go into each of those activities, the amount of time he had to
spend on learning how to do them, sometimes he just overwhelms me.
My other two kids, I love them dearly. I love to just sit with them and
hold them. And I don’t love them any less than I love LB, it’s just a
different type of love that’s all. My pride in them doesn’t come over
taking a step, or learning to hold a pen in their hands, or even just smiling. The story is that you use anywhere from 12 to 42 muscles to smile, and I’m not sure who is right, the point is for a boy that has a hard time using any of his muscles due to spasticity, it’s damn awesome when he makes them all work together and gives me a genuine, gorgeous smile of his. So, yeah I get proud of him for a smile, a frown, wiggling his fingers as a planned gesture instead of an involuntary movement. The other two kids, I’m proud of them for
being who they are. I love them for being such kind and giving children.
I love that when I’m not feeling well they try to look after me. I love
that they think of other people before they think of themselves (ok, they don’t
do this one on a daily basis but they are only 11 and 9). I love them for trying hard at school, for striving to be better and to live up to their potential.
It’s so hard to put these emotions into words. But I also think that’s
it’s very important that I do put them into words, not only for me to write
about here but also so I can tell my kids how I feel. It’s important not
only to feel this way about them, but to let them know it as well.
And Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all!