I Try and I Try But There Isn’t Any Fix

Ladies and Gentlemen, please excuse that last entry. I blame the rain, when the sky gets that black and the rain comes down that hard it gets me in this strange frame of mind and if I’ve been thinking about things that are better left unthought about, well it gets me moody.

But on to better things, I’m not working today! Woo Hoo. There are folks on their summer vacations, or going on their summer vacations, so there are lots of hours being given to me right now.
And it’s not that I’m grateful because I’m enjoying the money coming in, but at the same time I’m feeling like I’m missing out on the summer with my kids. It’s like I’m either at work, or I’m at home catching up on the housework and I’m just never able to do stuff with the kids.
I have a list of stuff that I want to do with the kids. I made this list up at the beginning of the summer and so far I haven’t done one thing from that list, and these things aren’t big things that need a lot of money to accomplish. They are little things, like play tennis with the kids, go for a walk by the lake whenever I get the chance, go to the pool with LB, and the list goes on.
I haven’t been able to get to any of those things because on my days off the older two act like boobs and refuse to do their work and I end up having to stay at home and supervise them instead of taking LB out.
It pisses me off, it makes me mad that they act like brats when I’m home and save all their good days for when I’m not. Some folks might think that they don’t want me doing things with them.
Take today for instance, it’s already 10:40. Yesterday by this time they had their chores done and things were going pretty good, but I had to go to work so I couldn’t do much with them.
Today they are playing around, jumping on each other and fighting with me.
Sean is fixated on having a friend come over, and he keeps bugging me to let him call this boy, and I keep telling him he needs to get his chores done first. He then leaves for a few minutes and comes back asking me when he can call.
It’s so frustrating. At work I’m frustrated, at home I’m frustrated.

I think it’s safe to say that right now there is no real happiness in my life.
I was looking through a blog prompt for ideas on what to write and I realized as each new prompt came up that I really am not happy with my life, and the horrible thing is that I don’t see anyway to make it better.
I need to work to pay the bills, but at the same time me being at work is making Dev suffer. I can’t go back to working nights again, that was awful. So where does that leave me?
Crying in a corner and trying to figure out some other way to pay the bills and still have me be here to make sure that Dev gets all his daily stretches, making sure he’s eating the right foods so he doesn’t get constipated (which he is suffering really badly from right now), ensuring that he’s got enough liquid and fibre intake to allow me to have him on the high fat diet (if these things are done he gets constipated, which like I said he is right now). I need to do his laundry every single day (wash his bedding, bibs, clothes that get soiled, and wash the covers for his wheelchair).
Plus on top of that I need time with him to work with him on his Tech Talk (which he’s started to refuse to use), I need to work on his communication, he needs hand over hand assistance for coloring and painting, he needs to be read to and he needs to have assistance being fed (which takes up to an hour sometimes longer).
Do all that on a daily basis, plus work… how do you fit it all in?

Folks at work keep telling me that they respect me for not getting down, and I guess for the most part I don’t but then there are times when I think about all the stuff that I should be doing wtih him and I just haven’t been able to find the time to do it and I worry that I’m being such a terrible mother to him.

Man, what is up with me being a negative nelly lately.

I wanted to write about something different, something uplifting but it got twisted into this.
I guess I’m just to frustrated and down in the dumps lately to be able to write something better.


About katastrophes1

Kat is a 20 something girl stuck in a 40 something body. Mom to 3 kids, tormented and amused by 3 crazy dogs. Amateur photographer, self taught crochet junkie. Thinker of crazy thoughts. Where do they come from? Who knows where thoughts occur, they just happen!
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