I seem to have been transformed into this neurotic little person who is seeking some sort of positive feedback from folks in my life lately.
Am I really so needy and neurotic that I need someone to look into my eyes and tell me that I do matter, that the things that I do are good and that although I may struggle, the struggle is worthwhile and that at the end of it all, it will be worth it.
What has brought this on suddenly? At work yesterday I found myself saying to my fellow co-workers “But seriously, if I did [enter random action here] would you like/read/approve/help/be interested in it?” I found myself saying that sentence so many times that eventually as I was saying it out loud, inside of my own head I was screaming at myself to just ‘Shut the Hell Up Already, Needy Little Girl’.
Once, when I was younger I was a needy little girl, most of my actions were geared towards gaining praise from others that I respected. Almost every moment in my life was spent in searching for someone’s approval and I became worn out from trying and broken down by never achieving it.
So eventually I gave up the ghost and stopped trying, no I didn’t just stop trying I went in the opposite direction. I went out of my way to gain disapproving glances, to earn the scorn, the lectures and the sermons about being a disappointment, about not being a productive member of society and my favorite one, how I will never amount to anything.
Well some of what was predicted came true and some didn’t. But the thing is that I grew out of that bitter, self hating person and I thought that I moved past seeking approval or disapproval. I thought that I was living for myself and my family, for my husband and my children and that the rest of the world can go and hang.
But then yesterday I saw myself reliving the past and trying to get folks to look at me with that spark that says ‘Yes, what you do matters’ and a shudder ran through me as I recognized the pattern forming in my life.
I can’t go back to being that person, I don’t want to transform into the bitter girl again when folks don’t pat me on the head and tell me ‘Good Job’.
I need to nip it in the bud, nip, nip, nip it!