Sometimes I know what I’ve got to do in order to take care of myself, and then I turn around and do the opposite thing.
Like now for instance, I should be lying in bed and sleeping. Instead here I sit in front of this glowing screen which is like a beacon in this dark house. Everyone else is fast asleep and has been for hours, and instead of doing like the rest of the family are doing I’m typing stuff up, playing games on the computer and watching sappy movies [The Painted Veil] that make me cry while I fall in love with them.
What is wrong with me, why can’t I just do what I know needs to be done, which would be to lie down, close my eyes and stop my brain from working long enough to drift off to sleep.
Instead I lie there with my eyes closed thinking about what time I have to leave in order to get to work on time, wondering what I’m going to make for dinner tomorrow, thinking about the long list of things I need to get done before I leave for work tomorrow, the chores that I need to make a list of for the kids to do when they get home from school, thinking about the bills, the housework, relationship pitfalls, the tremendous highs of being in love and contemplating the beginning of the universe and these scientists that are attempting to recreate the big bang in their controlled little experiment and my fear that all those science fiction movies I’ve seen are about to come true in their pretend predictions of mankind creating their own extinction by playing with forces of science and nature that they aught to leave alone, aught to know better because science fiction has written about this enough.
That’s just a snippet of things that I’m thinking about instead of sleeping, and I’m hating myself for not sleeping. The minutes are ticking by, the hours slowly passing and with each second I’m getting more and more upset by the fact that 5:00am comes pretty darn early and I really don’t want to sleep in and make LB miss his bus, not to mention the other little rugrats would be sleeping in as well and missing at least a morning from school, to say the least.
Anyways, I’m heading off to make another, and hopefully final, attempt to fall asleep.
Wish me luck!