I miss my energy. I miss the Mother I used to be. I miss the better times. I miss that feeling I had as a child that everything would always be great and your friends would be your friends until the day you die. I miss never thinking about the bad things. I miss never feeling this used up.
That’s the quick answer, the explanation takes a bit longer.
I miss my energy. I miss not feeling tired all the time, always feeling like a need a nap and having my eyes roll back into my head. When I was younger I always said I’d sleep when I’m dead and now I feel like I am dead. I could stay up all night and all day and not feel this bad. What happened since then? Sometimes I feel like I’m one of those doddering old ladies with the blue hair that need to take a nap after lunch and before dinner or they’ll fall asleep in their soup. How did this happen?
I miss the mother I used to be. When my children were born I was so excited. I loved coloring with them. I had tons of patients. I didn’t mind taking the slow path, stopping and looking at the flowers and enjoying the day with them. It used to be more about the journey. Now I feel like it’s more about the destination. I need to get from point A to point B by the fastest route possible and I don’t remember the last time I stopped to smell a flower. I know what happened to make me like this. The Son was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and suddenly I had a multitude of doctors appointments to get to and my life before scheduled and I needed to squeeze that schedule in with everything else that was scheduled, like school and hockey and baseball. Suddenly there never seemed to be enough minutes in a day and I had to stop enjoying those quiet, slow moments because if I stopped to enjoy them I’d be late for that next scheduled event, and that couldn’t happen.
I miss that feeling I had as a child that everything would always be great and your friends would be your friends until the day you die. You never even entertain the thought that bad things could happen when you were a kid. Bad things happened in fairy tales and they were always righted by the hero on his brilliant white stallion while his armour glinted in the sunlight. You knew as a child that the person who was your best friend in grade one would be your best friend until you were lying on your deathbed. Then you grow up, people move on and suddenly you find yourself out in the middle of an ocean of people that you know, but you can’t remember the last time you saw that best friends, or even how it was that you drifted apart. All you know is that one more dream of your childhood has been dashed to bits, and you pick it up and put it into that box on the shelf, the same box that holds that hero in his rusted armour, riding on his now shabby gray coated nag.
I miss never thinking about the bad things. As a child I never thought about the bad things in the world. Wars, famine, poverty, they were all things that happened far away. Stress was something that I’d heard mentioned but believed it to be just a fairytale that adults told to children in an attempt to make them appreciate their childhood more. Now, I think a stress-free life is make-believe and I look back at those lazy, carefree days of childhood and try to remember how it felt to be that way.
I miss never feeling this used up. I think this one explains itself. I’m tired of being pulled in every direction. I’m tired of everybody needing me. My kids need me to guide them through life. My Hubby needs me to support him, to love him and to do so much for him. I’m needed at home but I’m needed out in the work force. When I join the workforce my family buckles and falters. Stress to do a good job at work and not miss any days is in constant battle with my need to be at home and take care of my family and be there when The Son has to be home, which is always a constant conflict with work needing me to be there. I’ve tried to be everything everyone needs me to be. But it’s wears me down. Maybe one day someone will be the person I need them to be for a change.