It was horrible. I hadn’t slept in weeks, I was battered and bruised. Every time the alien moved ripples of pain spread across my swollen belly and I was sure that at any moment that thing would rip apart my flesh and spring out into the world, just like in that scene from Alien.
“Your uterus is bruised.” My doctor had informed me with as my sympathy as she could muster, and I just gave her a baleful look and told her that I wanted this thing out of my belly as soon as possible.
“I’ve been in labour for 2 weeks now,” constant contractions that never increased in strength or frequency to allow me to be admitted to the hospital so this lifeform could be removed from my belly but enough to keep me awake and make me feel like I was being ripped in two. “I’m so over all of this!” My doctor smiled, she’d heard this and similar phrases from her poor pregnant to the point of eruption patients for years, I was sure. But I had to find a way to let her know that I was different, this wasn’t a normal pregnancy, I was not going to be giving birth to a beautiful baby but to a hateful, demon seed alien life form that was at this very moment looking for some new way to torment me and I was sure that once it came into this world it was going to turn on me and devour me whole, while I was still alive and kicking.
If this wasn’t my second pregnancy, I’d think that this was normal and wonder why women were stupid enough to want to go through all of this over and over again. But my first pregnancy was been problem free, no morning sickness, no aches or pains. My baby had been so well behaved that I had been able to get him to move in my belly on command, well maybe not command but if I sat in a certain position the kid let me know how much he wasn’t happy. But lucky for me I had also discovered the position that he loved and so when he acted up I just adjusted myself and within minutes all would be quiet in my belly again. A good talent for sleeping, for certain.
But this pregnancy wasn’t like that. Even when I went for the ultrasound the technician had laughed and informed that I had ‘one active baby’. Thanks for the tip there lady, I’d had no clue up to this point that my baby was doing constant somersaults and trying to rip her way out of my uterus. It took so long for the technician to get all the images that she needed of this alien monster in my belly because it just wouldn’t co-operate and allow the shots to be taken.
Nothing about this pregnancy had been easy, so I guess I was stupid to think that labour would be easy. Two weeks of pain and torment, three trips to the hospital only to be sent home hours later after being told that my labour may have gained in strength for a while, but the whole thing has died down and that baby in my belly just wasn’t ready to meet the world yet. “It’s a shy baby!” my doctor joked. “No, it’s a demon seed that’s trying to eat it’s way out! Save me from this thing. It’s not a baby, there’s no way this evil thing is a baby!” I felt like crying each time they sent me home again.
Finally I refused to go home. When they came into the labour room after having watched my contractions gain in strength and frequency for a few hours, only to diminish and become sparse once more, and told me that I may as well go home, again! I cried ‘Nay Nay! I will not go!” and after much discussion my doctor finally agreed that this was just too much for my body to handle.
They got me a bed in the maternity ward where I could get some meds that would allow me to sleep and get much needed rest to rebuild my strength prior to the big event. Come the morning I got a big breakfast and shipped into a labour room where they hooked me up to machines and prepared to induce my labour. I was so happy and finally I began to relax as I realized that this was all about to be over and I’d get to move on to the next phase, raising this little alien monster!
After about 2 hours of waiting for my contractions to get a move on, I was finally allowed to push. It took me another half hour of pushing, but finally this tiny little girl was wrapped up in a blanket and placed in my waiting arms. She was darling, making adorable puckered lip kissing faces and right away she stole my heart.
Ever since that moment that child has kept me on my toes, running after her. Trying not to laugh while telling her off for her latest zany act of disobedience. She’s still a darling and I lover her with all my heart and soul, even when she’s being the most obstinate, frustrating creature ever known to man.
She’s 16 now, her Sweet Sixteen party wasn’t very conventional, but then nothing about this child is even remotely close to being conventional. She tossed aside any notion of lovely, glittery ball gowns, pumps and updos for her and her friends. We didn’t need to find a hall to rent and hire a DJ, not for her.
My daugher invited all her friends to her Sweet Sixteen at an Indoor Paintball field where there ran around shooting air powered paintball guns at each other and hooting about hitting each other and having a swell time.