For those who are not aware, I have been battling depression for quite some time now, and a year ago I actually sat down with my doctor and told him that I just didn’t think I could do this anymore. The fight is too hard and I’m not exactly winning it.
I tell you this because the past few months have been hard, and each passing day grew more and more difficult as I watched my dog of 13 years start to struggle more and more and little by little she lost a bit more of that spark that made her who she was. I knew that what happened this week was inevitable, and that when all was said and done it really was for the best. She was struggling and suffering, and now she’s been given a release.
Even though I know that her best interest was at heart, it’s still breaking my heart and the depression has me deep in its grips yet again. To the point that I almost can’t even move or even breath. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at pictures of our dog Skye and watching videos of her playing with us, and while it makes me feel a bit better to see her how she used to be, it also hurts my heart a bit more to know that those moments will never happen again.
Our other dog, Mal is missing her as well. He’s been lying on her bed, burying his nose deep in the fibres, like he’s trying to find her through her smell left lingering on her bed. He goes into the back yard and lifts his nose into the air, sniffing constantly. He slowly walks around the yard, breathing deep and smelling everything, anywhere she may have been gets him to pause and sniff around. Mal has been cuddling up to me and sleeping curled up at my feet, something that he hasn’t done for a very long time. This morning he didn’t eat his food, which is a very big deal for the fellow we jokingly refer to as having a bottomless tummy.
But all of this is not the point of my post today. I tell you all of this, not to garner sympathy but just to let you know why I’ve decided that I need to quit this. Others are telling me that I need to give myself time to mourn, to let time do what it can to heal the pain. But I’m worried that if I wait, I’ll start to really fall into a downward spiral that will be very difficult to climb out of.
So no more staring at pictures and videos everyday. No more sitting around and thinking about how much I’ll miss her, how Christmas wont be the same without her dancing about while we open presents, waiting for her stocking to be emptied and getting to sink her teeth into the pigs ears that Santa brought for her.
What I am going to do is trying to think about the positive things in my life. I have to try to find that happy again. So, my plan that I’m going to put into place to allow me to find the happy, everyday I’m going to sit down and think about 3 things that happened to me that day that either made me feel good or made me laugh out loud.
- Joking around with my kids, Sean loves to tell me all the Geeky little tid-bits he finds on the internet about Dr Who. Ceilidh playfully snarling at me that she doesn’t want to wear braces because she loves her overbite. She spent many years working hard to get that overbite by sucking her fingers, constantly, and she doesn’t get why suddenly we want to ‘fix it‘. Ha Ha, she’s a hoot!
Dev’s smiles as he counts down each day that passes, bringing him close to Christmas. How his face lights up as he searches around the room for his Elf on the Shelf that he named ‘Pooka‘. Watching as he loses his mind listening to a little radio that mimics a daily broadcast from the North Pole.
- Sitting in the candle light, sipping my hot cup of tea and looking at my Christmas tree.
- My husband allowing me to make myself happy at his expense. I can’t elaborate, probably because of his pride and dignity but mostly because I promised I’d never tell. (waggles eyebrows).