On November 17, 2000 I was struggling with a dilemma. Was I a good Mother or a bad one? What prompted this inner turmoil? The Great Breakfast Debate, had I destroyed any chance for a healthy life for my children by allowing them this horribly unhealthy breakfast this one time?

I’ll pause here while you go read what I wrote.
Ok, you’re back? Here are my thoughts on that diary entry.

It was silly of me to freak out and think I’m being a bad Mom because of one unhealthy breakfast. The world is made up of people who eat donuts and bagels slathered with cream cheese, fruit danish and other sugary crappy foods for breakfast. Here my kids had eaten some chicken and fries and I was losing my mind.  Like my Hubby said, there are more important things to be worrying about than this. Get over it already crazy lady!

As for my worries about if this would be a one time thing, it was not. One of my kids favorite breakfasts became ‘left overs from the fridge’. It became a whole thing. In the dead of the winter they’d lay a blanket on the floor, sit and watch TV while they ate left over chicken, salads, Chinese Take Out, and sometimes it wasn’t even fast food. They’d eat the left overs that I’d made during the week too. They’d sit and chat and goof around with each other, and I eventually realized that they ate healthy food the rest of the time, so these few treats should be savored, especially since they were building a relationship with each other. So I stopped worrying about the food so much, and more about the love my family was sharing.
I think it all turned out pretty good. My kids love all the food they can get their little mitts on. Vegetables, cheeses, beef, chicken and pork. They even eat seafood, although I’m not sure where that came from since I am about as fond of seafood as I am of spiders. Shudder.

Also, the fact that I was freaking out about what my kids were eating for breakfast and not about the fact that we’d had fast food twice that week already (KFC and Burger King) boggles my mind. I really was a crazy lady!!

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Plan to Write Again

Back in 1999, I started an online diary, a journal or as the kids these days refer to it, blogging.
Prior to 1999 I’d been involved in BBS (bulletin boards) and then moved to AOL chat rooms. I guess I’ve been involved in social media before it was ‘social media‘.
Nothing I wrote back in 1999 was very good, just verbal diarrhea put into written form. I cringe when I look it over again.
But then as the years passed, I began to find my voice, a writing style that allowed me to improve and get my thoughts out in a form that was easier to read, or at least it’s easier for me to read.

I’m jealous of that girl who sat down at the computer every day and wrote down her thoughts, dreams, and goals in such an easy fashion.
I sit down with the intention of writing something, and I start to write and realize that what I’m writing is crap. So I close it down, and it becomes a draft and I have now accumulated so many drafts that will never see the light of day, and it saddens me.

So, as a new writing tool, something to try to stimulate me into writing again, I am going to revisit those Diaryland entries from so many years ago.
I’ve moved my archives from that site to this one, but I never made any of those old entries public. I was writing back then with anonymity.  Nobody in my real life would see what I wrote, and so I think I bared myself more than I’m willing to do now. Perhaps that’s why I’m finding it so difficult to write again, because I am not being honest, I’m holding back and because of that I feel like it’s less than it should be, and just not good enough to ‘publish‘.

So, as I bring my Diaryland archive out to the light of day again, I’ll be writing blog entries about them, my thoughts on what I wrote then, and how things turned out, if they are still relevant even.
Let see how this all works out.

PS. By the way, I’m glad to see that Diaryland is still up and running. Even though I haven’t used it for years, checking in there felt like going home again. Memories of friends I made there, friends that were lost, or passed on. It felt like opening up an old book of memories, and it was such a nice feeling.

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Long Weekends and Heat Waves

This past weekend was Canada Day long weekend, which meant that my husband and my son actually got a weekend. Saturday night and Sunday night off. It was wonderful. For the first time in probably a decade we managed to take in the Fireworks, of course we always watched them at Ontario Place, but the days of Symphony of Fire and actual fireworks at Ontario Place are long gone. All that really remains of Ontario Place now are childhood memories of family visits, picnic lunches along the lake and boisterous trips to the children’s playground.

This year we drove down to Ashbridges Bay and watched the fireworks from our car, Devlin enjoyed it for about 10 minutes, which meant that for the final 5 minutes he was not impressed. Not even the grand finale was enough to bring a look of awe, or even a smile to his face.

The weather this past weekend was hot, I mean really hot. I heard that some folks were looking to book a vacation on the sun just to get away from this crazy heat wave we have been having. The air has been so thick with humidity, it feels like walking into a wall of force whenever you leave an air-conditioned location. A wall of force that saps all energy and fortitude from you the moment you come into contact with it. It’s horrible. Even my Mom, who has always insisted the hotter the weather the better for her was struggling with how crazy hot it was.

Lucky for us we have central air to battle the heat this summer, so it’s been quite comfortable for us. Devlin has not lost his appetite due to the sticky, miserable nature of a hot, humid spell and has in fact been gobbling up all the foods that he can.

While Devlin has been happily eating, I can’t say that he’s as happily passing the time since his first official day of vacation last Friday. At first he was smiles and happiness, but as of now the happy bus has stopped and he has jumped off. He’s sleeping in most mornings, which makes him smile and be happy. But about an hour after he’s been up he starts with the channeling the little demon that lives inside him and he’s all about causing the most trouble and yelling the loudest, so that all of us are miserable around him. I’m hoping that as the heat wave breaks that I’ll be able to take him out for a nice walk in the community and explore our new neighbourhood. It’s been hard because of the heat and humidity, like I said earlier, sucking all the energy out of me about a minute after stepping out my front door.

 

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Quick

Another week over, the highlights of it have been sitting on my balcony, doodling and I even painted a bit. It’s been a long time since I’ve picked up a pencil, and even longer for a paintbrush.

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June Sixth Thoughts

  1. Devlin was home for most of last week, sick. He had a fever, and not much else wrong with him. So, we had to keep him home because a mysterious fever is never a good thing. But it became fluctuating, coming and going, so not so serious and then finally by Friday he was feeling better, fever gone. Just in time for the weekend.
  2. I have a laptop again. After a month of waiting on it being set up for me, it turned out if mostly was, which means that I won’t have to try to write these posts on my phone and have autocorrect mess it all up, because the autocorrect on my phone hates me and loves to change almost every word into something else that makes no sense, and I do catch a lot of the mistakes, but with my eyesight and my phone being a bitch, I still missed a lot. So yay for my laptop.
  3. I have not been able to pick up a pencil or paintbrush for months now, and the part that saddens me the most about that is that it’s because I haven’t been inspired, not because I want to and just couldn’t find the time. There has been no urge to create, no desire to be artistic at all.
    Until the other day, I sat down on my bedroom balcony, as the sun set and drew a dragon head. It’s not very good, but it was a doodle (that is what I call something that I just rush out, don’t spend a lot of time on, basically just a time waster) and didn’t expect it to be good, plus I haven’t really touched a pencil in 2018, not really. A drawing here and there, randomly, and not planned out or anything, doesn’t feel like they count to me.
    I’ve got an online drawing course that I keep meaning to start, but I thought that my daughter and husband wanted to do it with me, but they never seem interested. They always have other things that they want to do, so I’m just going to take my laptop, that is now running and amazing, out onto my balcony one sunny day and start the course.
    If the husband and daughter are interested, they can join me, if not then I’ll just do it.
  4. I’ve decided that the husband, the daughter and the oldest son have their video games that they bond over, and I don’t enjoy them. I’ve tried to find things for us to do as a family, and whenever I seem to touch on something they all say they want to do, they never want to actually do it. So I’ve given up. If my not waiting for them to join in with me, means that I do these things alone, then that’s what I do.
    There isn’t anything I can do about it, alone is not loneliness. It’s just a state of being.
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Three Things

  1. There was a moment that was so foreign to me. I was walking Frigga, and we were standing in a small grove of trees and lilacs, and while Frigga investigated a stump, smelling, poking, pawing and staring at this little bit of a former tree, I had this moment of bliss wash over me. It was such a peaceful moment, and I realized that I haven’t felt that calmness and peace for so long, if was foreign to me. It was almost unsettling that I didn’t recognize it at first.
  2. When Dev came home from school he wasn’t feeling good. A bit of a fever, runny nose and cough, so he’s staying home from school tomorrow.
  3. I miss writing every day. Years ago, in the height of my blog writing, I jotted down my thoughts, experiences and even problems in my world in a daily basis. So note, I can go back and check where I was emotionally and physically. I want to get back to working out my problems in the written form. It was therapeutic and cleansing. I need that again.
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New Project

I am starting a new project, it’s a dog sweater. Or at least so far it’s the neck. I thought that the tutorial said beginner level, but when I printed the pattern, it said intermediate. Pretty sure I’m over my head on this one, and I’ll be dropping it sooner or later, but I’m going to do what I can.

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